Hate and Love

For the past few weeks I have been preparing to write a paper on Matthew Shepard, this has been a rather difficult undertaking, as I am not all that prepared or sure as to how I can speak in a affective voice that is also academic on Matt and the culture of mourning that surrounds him.

For the last couple days I have been reading a lot of stuff about anti-gay violence and homophobia - naturally this has impacted my mood quite a bit.

There are hundreds of quotes from the materials I have been reading that I want to put here, dozens of statistics that I want to share, numerous thoughts and personal stories that people have expressed to me. But they would fill this blog space infinently.

I think any one that identifies as queer, gay, lesbian, trans-gendered, non-gendered, intersexed can testify to the culture of pain and fear that we still operate within. It is getting better - at least I like to think so - but the fact remains that homophobia and hate crimes against gay and lesbians occur still today - in our urban centers and in our rural communtities. There will always be an Aaron Webster or a Matt Shepard... but we should also try to remember the nameless individuals who fall to the violent acts of hatred and fear. The ones who go unnoticed in the media and the legal systems of our contries.

At the same time we should celebrate places like the 519 Center in Toronto, The Center in Vancouver, The Harvey Milk School in New York, and the (horribly underfunded) Triangle Project School in Toronto. These are just some of the places where hate can be combated - this is a horribly small list, there are dozens others that I cannot name here. But they exist and I say thank you to them.

I want to remember Matt Shepard (died 1998). I want to remember David Buller (died 2001). I want to remember Aaron Webster (died 2001). I want to remember John Clarke died 1996). I want to remember Henry Drosdevech (died 1993). I want to remember David Curnick (my grade 8 French teacher - died 1994). I want to remember the hundreds more both named and unnamed. Remember not as just people who died because of hate, but because of people who loved - whose love was cut short.

thank you.
matt

Stick Figures and Diamonds

So today I had to venture into the horrible horrible area that is Yorkville. This is an area of Toronto that I normally avoid at all costs - it is one of the yuppiest and richest areas in the city. Located in the blocks north of Bloor in between Avenue Road (not joking) and Yonge street - it is filled with people that look like they belong on Santa Monica Blvd and not the freezing streets of Toronto.

I had to find an IDA drug store there that had a post office to pick up a package - now where do you think it was? Oh in the center that houses Whole Foods. Don't get me wrong, I love Whole Foods - but this place is SO Pretentious. After wandering the streets of Yorkville for a while, I finally found the address I was looking for, horrified that I was about to enter the Whole Foods... I threw back my shoulders, took on a queer air and walked in.

The people in there are NOT NORMAL!

As I was wandering the hallways, I saw this woman, at first I thought it was just a shadow but on a second look I realized that no, it was flesh and blood (or should I say bones and botox) in all black - hence why I thought she was a shadow. She was dressed in an outfit that clearly cost her twice my monthly rent. I snorted slightly at the sight. Her hands were covered in diamond rings - I am surprised that the sheer weight of them did not make her fall over.

Finally I found the IDA and got my package - I now understand that everyone who works in Yorkville DOES NOT LIVE THERE. The girls in the IDA probably live in the east end of the city, namely the wrong side of the tracks. They are all bitter and angry at having to deal with the Yorkies that lives around there (these Yorkies are not to be confused with people who go to York University). The girl at the post office looked at me with a gaze of disgust. I wanted to tell her that I am a poor starving student (ok not that poor or starving, but still) and sympathize with her.

As I was making my way out of the building (aka walking very fast) I saw a woman, at least I think it was a woman) who was dressed in this insane parka - the hood had so much fur on it that you could barely see her face... just the bottom end of her cell phone sticking out. I also encountered another stick woman who was clearly coming from the Yoga center in that "mall". She was wearing nothing but Lululemon... and here I thought I had left the lululemon people behind in Van.

If you want a good picture of Yorkville - for the vancouverites who read this - think of West Van, Kerrisdale, Kits, and the West End and combine them together... there you go.

Unless I have a need for a $1000 scarf, I won't be making a trip back there too soon.

Fucking Capitalism...

We Don't Stop, yo.

This is fucking funny! There is not a hint of irony in it - totally serious in every way possible.

It will make you laugh and brighten up a bad day...

I give you the MDA Management Rap.

Where you at?

This past week was really nice - Jes was in town for a visit, so we got to do our usual twin thing and hang out together. I even got to see parts of Toronto I had not really been to before and I managed to not spend too much money.

Yesterday Jes and I made trip plans for December - exciting stuff! Here is how my December is shaping up. I will go to New York in earlyish December and fly out to Vancouver from there (this is a way nicer and cheaper option... did you know that tickets to Vancouver from Toronto are like 500 bucks, while a ticket from New York was only around 300?) We arrive in Van on December 19th, staying until the night of the 26th when we fly to Chicago for MLA. We are in Chicago till the 30th after that back to NYC for New Years and stuff. I will be back in Toronto around the 6th. From then I will be in NYC probably every other week to take a class at CUNY.

Oh yes, I am going to be fucking exhausted!

For now, off to home and The Wire and marking... no wine tonight, I drank enough last night to last me at least until tomorrow.

He's Back!

Check this article out... best news EVERY!

Joss Whedon taps Eliza Dushku for new Fox series

Oct 31, 2007, 10:23 PM | by Dan Snierson

Categories: TV Biz

Cult TV fans, set your emotions to thrilled: Joss Whedon is finally returning to the tube. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer mastermind has just signed a deal with Fox to create a drama series called Dollhouse. Better yet, he's chosen a very familiar face to inhabit it: she of Faith fame, Eliza Dushku.

The show, which boasts a seven-episode commitment for 2008 and a hefty license fee between $1.5 million and $2 million per ep, will chronicle the exploits of a group of individuals who are "imprinted with personality packages" — meaning that they can assume a variety of indentities (language skills, physical talents, memories, etc.) to be used for all types of tasks. When these missions are over, the individuals have their memories erased and reside in a guarded laboratory known as the Dollhouse; Dushku's Echo, however, is slowly coming of consciousness. "We call it a suspense-drama-mythology-comedy-action-horror musical," Whedon half-jokes of the show, which will bend and blend genres in typical Joss fashion. "The main thrust is the thruline of Echo as a sort of newly born character who goes, 'Wait a minute — I exist. Wow. So who would I be? And how dangerous is it for me to let anybody know that I know that I exist?' Not unlike the Frankenstein myth, it's, 'Who made me, who am I, and why am I?'"

Sounds like Dushku has already bonded with her alter ego. "She's fierce and she's hot, but she's also so complex, and she's going to be so tripped out because she's in this world, which I can identify with, where there are people who can click a button and succeed in making you be what they want you to be. It's this whole mindtrip of objectification," she says. "It's going to have sex and heartbreak and violence and hilarity. That, to me, is a hot show."

So when did construction on Dollhouse begin? The two were having a friendly meal last month — Dushku was seeking some project guidance after signing a deal with Fox — when inspiration hit the pair. "In the middle of the lunch, I said, 'Oh, s---, I made up a show, and I have a title,'" recalls Whedon. "And that's when you know you're dead, when there's a title." Dushku, who'll also serve as a producer on this 20th Century Fox TV series, was more than thrilled to reteam with her mentor. "I've always said from the Buffy days, 'I'll follow that guy anywhere,'" she notes. "I just had to find him and pluck him out of his supposed retirement from television."

The timing of this project is somewhat fortuitous for Whedon. (Except, of course, for that whole impending strike mess.) The latest rewrite of his supernatural triller Goners for Universal "was not incredibly well-received," he says. "Nothing's happening with it right now. It's not good news, but one door closes, and then there's a draft, and another one opens."

link to article

Shattered

My glasses broke this morning. If I wear them and keep my eyes pointed straight ahead, I see fine - if I look up at any point, well I get to see a big crack.

How awesome is that!

Also, why do people keep asking me if I'm Peter? (3 times this weekend)

"Laugh at Me" Vancouver Indie Artist against Homopobia

My friend Daylene posted this on facebook - its a local artist from Vancouver who hired a cast of 21 actors to do a "protest against homophobia".

Plus its just really nicely done!

Mail Box Woes

I have been in a eternal struggle to get a mailbox in the department... I go weekly to the mailbox room for graduate students to check. Again today I went in and once again my name was no where to be found on the box. So this time I got fed up and went to see the ever impressive, ever motherly, ever amazing Gillian to inquire about it.

Within 15 minutes I had a mailbox.

That woman is amazing.

Apparently someone forgot to include my name on the list of people that get mailboxes, rather than including it in the general mail.

Luckily now, my porn magazines can be put in a box rather than sit around for everyone to see.

Library Time

I am back in the Library again - I have spent pretty much the majority of my weekend here. I have an article due this week that I am madly trying to finish. I think it needs about another day and should be done. It seems that the Library cafeteria is the only place I've found where I can sit and use wireless all day without being bothered. I have not really found THE COFFEE SHOP yet that works well for me.

Although as I sit here and look out the window, I have just noticed the cutest little coffee shop across the street - perhaps I will try there tomorrow.

I have class this afternoon - we're talking about James's Portrait of A Lady... can we talk about how dull that book is? Dear lord!!!

Tomorrow Christine and Kath are coming into town to visit me and we are going to see Tori Amos (2 Tori shows in one month! EXCITING!!) It will be nice to see Christine - I've been missing her, and technically we should be able to see each other more.

In other news, Jes and I are planning a trip to Laramie, Wyoming for research in early November...

Back in Toronto

I am back from my amazing trip to New York. I had a rather harrowing trip and some how made it to class only an hour late.

It is raining here - and I don't even have my new New York umbrella with me... damn it

Jes Battis - intellecual and socially responsible, perhaps you all could talk about that too?

I made this comment on Jes's post about the article in the National Post discussing his Post Doc, but I wanted to post it here as well and expand upon it a bit.

To start with, I want to say that I am proud to call Jes my best friend, I am proud to call him my colleague, I am proud to say that he inspires me to be a better academic and a better person through his work, thoughts, speech, ideas, and friendship. Yes, I am another queer academic working in the field of queer theory and I am stepping up to defend him - should you not like that, well too bad... write your own blog post.

I think all of these comments are fantastic - baring the hip surgery concerns - but I would like to briefly point out that no one who is talking about this article (should we wish to call it that) or those who are commenting on Jes's posting of that "article" is actually mentioning his Post-Doc project.

Why are we not mentioning that Jes is one of the few individuals out there who is talking about queer youth, specifically queer AT RISK youth? Yes, he teaching popular culture, specifically television - but that is is teaching job, it is the position that he was GIVEN through CUNY. But even so, how can we say that television is not relevant - can someone name another media today that does not reflect the tenor of our lives at this current moment? Or of our histories?

But that is besides the point. Jes is not doing a Post-doc on television. He is doing a monograph on gay, lesbians, trans, bisexual teenagers and preteens who are seen as at risk for either public, private, and self violence - amongst other dangers. Is this not important? Is this not what the heart of this discussion should be about? Not that Jes got a tattoo or that he bought a book or teaches I Love Lucy in his classroom, but that he IS taking on a social responsible role as a young gay academic and is actually trying to make a difference. That he is looking at the teenagers who are afraid to be open about their gender or sexuality and feel the desire to chose death over life? Can we not talk about the fact that Jes might actually be giving them a voice? Giving them an outlet to expresses themselves - even if it is an indirect one? Could his work not be seen as Socially Responsible? In the vein that SSHRC strives to be?

This post doc will result in a look at young queer individuals who are both being written about and writing themselves - how exactly is that not socially responsible? Or Socially relevant?

Yes, Jes has published in the realm of popular culture and film and television studies, but what about his larger and more advanced work? What about his discussion of queer theory today? His look at gay youth? His discussion on queer fantasy novels and how that has social significance: in which he talks about drag culture, youth suicide amongst other topics?

I think we should perhaps keep that in mind when addressing Fulford's article. So please rather than go on about how Jes is just talking about television or movies or buffy the vampire slayer - perhaps ask him about his actual research, his actual interests, or his ideas and his beliefs - and you might find that there is more to him than Television and tattoos.

Also, should we be considering this as a type of fame? Why does having your research and academic name dragged through the mud equal being famous? I'm rather confused about that. As Jes mentioned to me, he was not lauded for his work, he was fucked up the ass by a National Newspaper.

Thanks

Am I Bovvered?

An op-ed piece was written today on Jes in the National Post - it's quite an interesting look at the natural of cultural studies in Canada. (I hope you all read the sarcasm in that.)

It really is quite entertaining.

Here is the article.

Kara Walker

I have a new favorite artist. Went to the Whitney yesterday - amazing gallery. Featured there was this artist named Kara Walker. She does mostly shadow etchings and pencil drawings that depict African-American women and their sexual, class, labour struggle during slavery - connecting it to contemporary images of African- America women.
Check out her exhibit at the Whitney, if you're in New York

Otherwise, her books are available on Amazon.

White Glases

I just met Eve Sedgwick - one of the nicest women I could ever possibly imagine. She shook my had and gave me this ENORMOUS smile when she walked in. I think I died a little bit.

I asked if I could meet with her tomorrow during her office hours - she said yes.

I am meeting with my academic idol tomorrow... my god!

How does one walk into a room and talk to the person you've spent your entire academic life worshipping? What exactly do I talk to her about?

Be Back Real Soon

Hi all... I am having a great time in New York... been exploring the city with Jes and testing out the summer plan a bit.

I will be back in Toronto on the 15th - I'll post after that. And Pictures will soon follow.

mj

Breathe (3am)

I am looking up Jes's address so that I have something to give the Customs people when I go through that horrible adventure. Ick.

It is 3am - I am showered, ready, and jiving to move! The 3am thing is throwing me too....

Ok, I am off to the Big Apple... (and Eve Sedgwick!)

Steady... Steady...

This weeks has been a series of constant irritations that put me in one of the worst moods I have ever been in, although Jes probably has a list of "Matt's worst bad moods ever", so he's totally judging this post when he reads it.

But I have never been so tired, and so stressed - well at least not in a very long time. I think it all stemmed from my weekend when I got zero sleep and then discovered that I had a shit load of work to do this week and could barely get any sleep. If it was not a piercing falling out, or forgetting about meetings, or realizing I had piles of marking to do (in one day), or a TA training session to do, or having to go out to Mississauga to meet with students - only to discover that no students were coming and no one told me not to come - or an almost broken ipod that magically fixed itself.

It's no wonder, after reading over that list, that I was in a bad mood. Crap.

But today, I am happy to report that I am in a much better mood. Going to the bank in a few, then off to campus to read until class. After class I will be at home doing laundry, packing, and watching CSI and Grey's Anatomy till I go to bed early tonight. Then, I am up at around 3 to get ready, grab my bag and head off to the airport - it's NYC time baby!

I wonder if that has anything to do with my good mood today? Hmmmmm

Taking Pause

This will be a bitchy post - be ready.

I did my first batch of marking for my TA post today, and I have to say - MOST FUCKED UP MARKING SYSTEM EVER! All it involves in paper work. I had to give them almost 4 different type of commentary on their papers. First you do marginal comments, then you have to fill out the comment form (yes there is a form) and finally you have the type up final comments. All of these comments have to be constructive and supportive in tone - well let me tell you, after reading 3 of those papers, any kind of supportive tone goes right out the fucking window. I tried my best to be constructive, but it just was not happening... they can't write a sentence worth shit, hell most of them can't even fucking spell.

Now, the 4th type of commentary will come tomorrow when I have to meet with my students and give them further feedback on their papers... will this involve me writing comments in my own blood?

I can understand wanting to help students as much as possible - but this system is totally redundant, I said the same thing 3 times and I will probably say the exact same thing again tomorrow to any of them little fuckers who are brave enough to come see me.

Oh yes, tomorrow will be a day of evil TA Matt... you know it will be...

Now I have to start reading for my class on Thursday - any suggestions on how I'm going to get through Norbert Elias's The Civilizing Process in a day, plus TA training and office hours.

For that matter - why the fuck am I going to a training session - I could teach that fucking thing! Fuck!

Can it be Friday now?

I am having one of those days where all I want to do is go home and go to bed. I did not get much sleep last night, for some reason I could not fall asleep and then the truck driver decided to leave for work at 5 am... waking me up of course. My alarm went off at 8 and I was up and out of bed.

I am behind in my readings and my marking - so I went to The Future Cafe on Bloor to read for class - did both articles in an hour. Then as I was walking down Bloor to Aroma, so I could check my email, I remembered that I have to make a doctors appointment to get a refill on my Thyroid pills. Naturally, they can't actually see me... I have to go to the clinic tomorrow at 9am to wait for a spot to open during their drop in period. Awesome.

I got to Aroma and ordered a fruit salad, as I was taking a bit I suddenly felt something metallic in my mouth - my labret piercing had fallen out and was sitting on my tongue. So now I have to go to the piercing place and get them to replace it. Naturally, the piercer won't be in till 1, which is when I am supposed to meet with my supervisor. So I had to send him an email telling him I would be late.

I am tired today and am kinda depressed. I miss home, I miss my friends, I miss Jes. But I am excited when I remember that in 4 days I will be getting on a plane and flying to New York to spend 10 days with Jes there.

This week is all about killing time.

Let us hope that nothing else irritating or upsetting happens today... cause I'll lose my fucking mind if it does. Hopefully, I will be able to find a copy of The Wire and can retire to my couch for the evening.

That's My Daughter...

I just watched Knocked Up again - if you have not see the extended version yet (red cover) go out and buy it.

The movie includes one of the most amazing songs ever wrtten, by Loudon Wainwright III called "Daughter".

Everything she sees
she says she wants.
Everything she says she wants
I see she gets.

That's my daughter in the water
everything she owns I bought her
Everything she owns.
That's my daughter in the water,
everything she knows I taught her.
Everything she knows.

Everything I say
she takes to heart.
Everything she takes
she takes apart.

That's my daughter in the water
every time she fell I caught her.
Every time she fell.
That's my daughter in the water,
I lost every time I fought her.
I lost every time.

Every time she blinks
she strikes somebody blind.
Everything she thinks
blows her tiny mind.
That's my daughter in the water,
who'd have ever thought her?
Who'd have ever thought?
That's my daughter in the water,
I lost everytime I fought her
Yea, I lost every time.
everything she knows I taught her.
Everything she knows.

Also, here is one of my favourite deleted scenes from the movie. I agree with Jonah on every point about Brokeback Mountain.

"I wanna see Jake Gyllenhal on all fours getting his salad tossed."

Nuit Blance pt. 1

5 a.m.

Just got home.

Very tired.

Bed to dream of post structuralist and neo-postmodern art.

More tomorrow.

***Sound of head crashing against pillow***

Quiet Rumbles

Today is one of those days where I wish to all that is unholy I could have a clone or just be able to split into multiple versions of myself - like that character from X-Men. I have to finish reading Eagleton, start and finish Freud (I told you I would not get that done last night), scan over some stuff for my Veronica Mars article that I want to start writing this weekend, then I am meeting Lindsui and Brittany at the Bob Miller to pick up books for Bibliography and right after that I am attending a reading theory group. At least tonight I can relax and have some fun with Nick as we start our weekly tradition of Bionic Model Wednesdays. (We're geeks, if you can't deal with it, go elsewhere.)

Happily being busy will take my mind of stuff that's currently marching around my cranium. Last night a thunder storm kept me company as I thought about life and all things involved in that life.

But for today, I have books to read, theory to talk about, and models to watch.

I also wanted to draw everyone's attention to the fact that Iron and Wine has a new album out - it is called The Shepherd's Dog. (Go to their MySpace page here) Fantastic so far - a little different than his normal sound, but oh so worth buying. Course, if he let me I would listen to him sing a fucking phone book. Go Listen! (Amazon link to album)

Analities

I have no idea if that is the word I am looking for at this point, but I think it works just fine. I am sitting on the 13th floor of the library fucking around on line and not doing the research I told myself I should be doing. (Because if I am not reading Eagleton or Freud, I really should be doing something productive.)

I spoke to my Early Modern Minds prof today, and ran my paper idea by her. I think I made her head explode - she got really really excited and started talking so fast that I could barely keep up with my notes. My idea is to work on transgenderism in the early modern period, perhaps looking at issues of gender constructs and the way popular writers (read: phampletters) conceputalized the hermaphrodite. I fucking love my idea. I want to write the paper now. Like right now. But I know I have to do other pressing matters as well. Sigh.

Besides that, I ran to Travel Cuts to get a new ISIC card, picked up my October bus pass, and did a lot of reading today. Tonight, I want to try and get some headway in Freud, but I am also about to get the books off the shelves and go get myself a copy of Knocked Up - so I might watch that. I think I want bad food tonight. So I think I will order pizza... I know it is wrong of me, but I want melted cheese and sausage!

Now, as to the title of this post - I had to tell this little story. As I am sitting here at the computer this odd little man sat down at the one across from me. He moved the computer around to give himself more room (that's normal). What is kinda fucked up was when he started blowing on the computer and then went to the bathroom and came back with paper towels - 3 types actually. One was covered in Purell gel...I know I could smell it like he had pressed it against my nose, one that was wet, and one that was dry. He used them in that order. He then continued to dry the keyboard by blowing on it. (Which in my eyes defeats the purpose cause he is just spreading more germs on the keyboard). Also, a very jittery person - keeps moving in his seat. So strange.

Ok, time to get books and head home. :)

Here's hoping Jes's phone is working tonight... I'm going on over 30 hours without talking to him, not good for Matt's mental state!

Theory Love

"Pleasure, desire, art, language, the media, the body, gender, ethnicity: a single word to sum all these up would be culture. Culture, in a sense of the word which included Bill Wyman and fast food as well as Debussy and Dostoevsky was what Marxism seemed to be lacking. And this is one reason why the dialogue with Marxism was pitched largely on that terrain. Culture was also a way for the civilized, humanistic left to distance itself from the crass philistinism of actually existing socialism. Nor was it surprising that it was cultural theory, rather than politics, economics or orthodox philosophy, which took issue with Marxism in those turbulent years. Students of culture quite often tended to be politically radical, if not easily disciplined. Because subjects like literature and art history have no obvious material pay-off, they tend to attract those who look askance at capitalist notions of utility. The idea of doing something purely for the delight of it has always rattled the grey-bearded guardians of the state. Sheer pointlessness is a deeply subversive affair."

--- Terry Eagleton, After Theory.

Home?

I am going to start this post by saying that I have, without a doubt, the best Best Friend ever. Read on to find out why.

I have survived a month. It has been over a month since I arrived here in Toronto, and I am surviving in ways I never thought possible. I am happy - well relatively happy anyways. I still miss home and my friends, but I have a growing group of people here that are becoming dear to my heart. I am actually starting to think I could even grown to think of Toronto as a home... one of many anyways.

Yesterday was not a good day - I was incredibly down all day. For those who are close to me know what the month of October brings with it, and yesterday I started to feel that a bit. It is something I do not talk about often, and find it hard to even vocalize exactly how I feel about it still. So, yesterday I took a mental health day. Sat inside, felt sad at times and ok at others. Got to talk to Christine a bit - which was super nice. Then I went off to Queen Street and picked up a Terry Eagleton book for the theory reading group I am a part of here. Although to be honest, it is less about wanting to read theory than it is about impressing someone. (God how sad am I?) I took pictures with my new camera - will post some soon, promise.

After that, I got to talk to Jes. We discovered that the Tori plans we had would not work. So he decided to fly me out to New York and see her there. Yes, folks, that is right. I am going to New York in early October to see Tori Amos. I am also going to sit in on a class with Eve Sedgwick! It will mean missing a class, but I think I can afford to do that if it means getting to meet Eve. I've already squared this away with my prof, so don't worry about that. I really needed to have this happen yesterday, and I think Jes did too. I was missing him terribly yesterday, it was almost physically painful. So the idea that I get to spend time with him in New York - its exhilarating!

That is why I have the best Best Friend ever.

Today, I have class, I am in the midst of reading House of Mirth for today... which is better than the theoretical text (Kant) we had to read for today. It was rather dreadful. Yuck!

My day is looking better - everything seems a little shinier today. Maybe that is because of the news, or because I am just in a good mood, or maybe because Heroes starts tonight. Or maybe because tomorrow I can bring my own DVD version of Seth Rogan home.

F.Y.I. I have a spare Tori Amos ticket for here in Toronto on the 23rd of October... if anyone is interested in going with me. They are like 5 rows from the stage!

Time to Heal.

"As doctors, as friends, as human beings we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. And just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you, shifts. And knocks you off your feet. If you’re lucky you’ll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound. Something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds you have to rip off the bandage, let them breathe and give them time to heal."

-- Grey's Anatomy ("Bandaid Covers the Bullet Hole")

Waiting for a Change

I got to see Transformers in a whole new way... on the Imax screen. It was fantastic... the robots were larger than life, I had such a good time. Nick and I hung out and had coffee and then got to sit in a largely empty theatre and watch one of my favourite movies on a huge screen.

I am now sitting and watching Grey's Anatomy... the bomb episode. It's a good night. You know, I was going to talk to a friend, but he HAD to go watch a tv show... hrumph!

Red Guitars

Last night was one of those nights you know will stick with you. It was the English Department reception at the Faculty Lounge, so I got gussied up and headed over there. Met a few of my cohort and hung out with them for a while. Even managed to talk to a few older PhD students. For some reason, every attempt I made to talk to Michael Cobb (the guy i want to supervise me) failed - he was like a spectral being or something and would appear but then disappear a second later. This proved to be rather irritating. I had about 4-5 glasses of wine, so I was feeling fine! After the reception, I was invited back to a BBQ being held at Graduate House. Well, let me tell you... no force on this planet will ever get me back in that building. It was one of the most depressing, unoriginal, droll places I have ever been inside. It is hard core dorm like - not something that a graduate student should have to deal with! Ugh, I might have night mares about that forever.

Once the BBQ was over, I suggested that we go get a drink. I remembered that other grad students were going to a place called the Red Room... so I dragged them there. Well, that was the best decisions I've ever made. I saw one familiar face, who quickly introduce me to a whole group of people. All of them are PhD 2, but they seemed to quickly bring me into their group and enjoyed hang out with me. We had a few drinks there, then decided to head over to this great bar/lounge called the Centre... five dollar martinis that rocked my world. I got to talk about grad school, boys I like, girls I like, movies, got huge amounts of gossip... it was such a good night. I stumbled drunkenly home around 11 and hit my bed around 12:30.

Oh yeah... it was a good night. Today, I have to go to my bibliography class at 11. Then Nick and I are going to see Transformers on the Imax screen! Plus I should do some reading at some point...

Moneymaker

Exciting news... today, as you all well know, is the 18th of September. Which means that tonight is the Rilo Kiely Concert! An event I have been waiting for since July when I bought the tickets. If you know me, you know I like me some Jenny Lewis and Rilo... a band I consider to be among my top 10 of all time. And I get to see them live tonight. JOY! I will be picking up Marcos around 7 (or earlier - depending) and then relying on his knowledge to get us to where ever they are playing.

Excited much? Oh yes, I think so!

In other news, I met with the prof I am TAing for this year - its a year long course, how fucked up is that! She is fantastic! I love her already. Course in my brain we are already best friends and will hang out a la Tiffany style... but in reality that will probably not actually happen. But a boy can dream can't he.

Tomorrow I have to go to Mississauga - a place I had hoped never to go to, but I must to meet with students for the first time. What kind of TA shall I be tomorrow? Shall I be compassionate Matt? Shall I be bitter angry Matt? Or shall I be the TA we all know and love and do the "I will make you cry merely by looking at you" Matt? Oh we all know which it will be... I can't help myself.

Now I have to go home and clean the house up a bit - it is in a rather poor state after my lack of cleaning while Jes was here... although knowing me, I'll just sit on my ass and read or something when I get home.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to my current favorite Rilo Kiely song - Breakin' Up

it's not as if new york city
burnt down to the ground
once you drove away
it's not as if the sun won't shine
when clouds up above
wash the blues away

are we breaking up?
are we breaking up?
is there trouble between you and i?
did my heart break enough?
did it break enough this time?

here's to all the pretty words
we will never speak
here's to all the pretty girls
you're gonna meet

am i breaking up?
am i breaking up?
is there trouble on the line?
did your heart break enough?
did it break enough this time?

ooh it feels good to be free
ooh it feels good to be free
ooh it feels good to be free

betrayal is a thorny crown
you wear it well
just like a king
revenge is the saddest thing
honey, i'm afraid to say
you deserve everything

am i breaking up?
are we breaking up?
is there trouble between the lines?
did your heart break enough?
did it break enough this time?

ooh it feels good to be free
ooh it feels good to be free
ooh it feels good to be free

Till October...

Jes left tonight, I took him out to the airport and saw him off. I miss him already... its amazing that even in a couple days we managed to fall into our old patterns and our old relationship as twins/bffs.

I had a great 6 days with him - saw a lot of the city, got a great tattoo, spent too much money, drank a lot with him and Marcos, and even got to see Alexandra Ribera - a great local folk artist and friend of Marcos's. Please check out her myspace page here

Being able to hang out with Jes over the weekend was the breath of fresh air I needed to jump start my semester. Also it makes me look forward to next year when the musketeers are reunited! I hope that Jes had as much fun as I did...

oh and Jes, enjoy your Tuesday which is Friday, k?

The Pheonix

Here is a pic of the new tattoo and piercing... I think I look rather Stanley-esque from Streetcar in this pic.

I love the tattoo... I LOVE IT!!!! Symbolizes everything I wanted it to after the past three years... it's perfect.

Little Worlds...

I am about half an hour away from getting my new tattoo, but I had to make sure that I posted this.

Everyone should take a look at my friend Bri's blog - especially this post. It's pretty amazing and thoughtful.

Here's celebrating all of our little worlds. (Mine right now is the microcosm that I am living in until Monday with Jes - best little world ever.)

As the song says...

It's a good day. It's a good life....

I am on my way to the airport to pick up Jes.

Huzzah!!!

Its always a girl at a desk...

Today, my friend Dara and I went to check out the Centre for Sexual Diversity Studies at UofT, as is my usual expereince with one of these offices I walked in with high hopes that there will be a big collective of queer academics that I could hang out with and talk about Butler or Sedgwick or even about the state of sexuality studies today. Instead, there was Marge. Just Marge. Sitting at a desk... smiling up at me.

I think the most interesting moment was when Marge told us about some big research library that they have with films and books and other stuff. When I asked her where it was... she told me that she was not allowed to tell anyone about its location. Her exact words were: "If I told you, I'd have to kill you..." Ummmm, ok. That makes no sense, what so ever. When I asked her why, she had no answer. Also, I asked her about their interdiscinplinary graduate program, in which I should be able to combine my English PhD and their sexuality program in some way... she muttered something incompehensible and wandered away.

Oddness....

In other news - today is the 6th anniversary of 9/11... I'm going to second Marcos's blog post about today (see here). Don't fall into the hype of the day - and remember all the other horrible tragedies that have happened since (and before) 9/11. It is imperative that we recollect every day that we all remember that thousands of people still die every day from AIDS.

Tomorrow, Jes arrives... I am picking him up at 9:30 am.

Oh and I am in the middle of a HUGE thunderstorm right now - its amazing!!! This is SO cool!!!!! WHHEEEEE

So, So Sexy...

Could this movie be any hotter? I think not.

Running Head First Back Into a World of Academia

This afternoon at 4 I will be sitting in my first class for my PhD - and yes, for those of you in the know, I am pretty damn nervous. It has been well over a year since I actually was in a classroom so I am a bit rusty in that department. But that being said, I know how to work a room... I just turn on the charm and do my best.

Today is Art of Sex - a class that I am still trying to get the books for without spending HUGE amounts of money on them new. Failing at this so far. But it looks like a fantastic class. I will post more about it later tonight when I get home.

Wish me luck!

Hmmmmm....

I've been noticing a distinct drop in comments around here lately.... granted I have been so busy I find it hard to comment on other people's blog... but where's the love people?!

Perhaps my Toronto adventures are not exciting enough... fine then I will go climb the CN Tower!

Comment DAMMIT!

Feeling the love

I thought I would follow up last night's drunken post with a more normal and down to earth posting about my adventures last night. It was Nick's birthday party - his actual birthday is Monday, but he will be in Vegas (bastard) - and the party started at 9 and went till about 3 when i stumbled home.

I went along with Nick, Rob and two of Nick's oldest friend's Janee and Larissa to the City Grill in Eaton Centre - this was after a long adventure to actually find somewhere to eat. The food was great, but the cocktails... well oh my! I am already planning my next visit just to have more to drink. After this, we walked back to N&R's place, where I got to meet their dog Meg. We hung out a bit there and finally made our way to O'Grady's pub on Church street for Bear Night.

Wow.

I had a great time - I felt welcomed right away and think I was doing a good job of fitting in there. As many of you all know, I am not the best at being a overly "gay" situation - generally I am rather uncomfortable and feel a bit out of place. But N&R's friends certainly helped to make me feel welcome... oh and the 5 G&Ts I had certainly helped matters. Afterwards, I drunkenly followed Marcos along Church to find the Vomit Comet home. Then collapsed into bed at around 3:30am.

I know I have said this before - a few times actually. But having friends like Nick, Rob, and Marcos in this city has helped me in ways they can never know. They have helped to make this city seem like home already - just having someone I can call and hang out with or who invites me along to parties and the like... well, you catch my drift. (Don't want to gush too much - or their egos might grow too big.)

Thanks :)

I woke up at 11 this morning and lounged around in bed and the apartment drinking coffee. I got an amazing email from McFarland press today - they have expressed interest in the Pirates collection. I have to write up a proposal this month and get it to them. I am so very excited!!! So, I am currently at Robarts (the peacock) looking up books on Piracy history and other matters having to do with Jack Sparrow. Perhaps, if I don't develop any plans tonight, I might watch Curse of the Black Pearl...

F.Y.I. 4 days till Jes.

Night O' The Bears

Tonight was my friend Nick's birthday party - we had dinner at City Grill and then went to O'Grady's for bear night.

I am very very drunk right now... I need to be in bed.

that is all

"The most advanced piece of technology you'll ever pee on"

Because teenage girls after their high school proms want the best out of life...

Sitting in the Peacock.

Right now I am sitting in the Robarts Library computer lab, mainly because the english department does not have a graduate computer lab unlike EVERY OTHER UNIVERSITY I'VE BEEN TO!! I discovered today that Robarts is supposed to be shaped like a giant bird - most refer to it as a peacock, although many think it is a turkey. I just think its fucking ugly.

The style of the building is called Neo-Brutalism... how depressing is that? What person though, "Hey I know, lets create a building that we can refer to as Brutal." But more importantly, what person thought, "You know, classical brutal was pretty awesome, but lets make neo-brutalism to give it that extra little something-something. Cause that'll be fucking A."

Seriously... who the hell thought up this idea.

I've been having a good few days - Wednesday I had a bookstore tour of the Annex and made a great new friend named Lindsui. Wedneday night, i cooked dinner and hung out with Marcos. Yesterday, I got to geek out with Nick as we went shopping for comic books and then went on an epic search for Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series for Nick to read on the plane to Vegas. Last night I hung out at home and watched some tv - I felt rather normal doing so. Today, there was a library tour of the campus - there are A LOT of libraries here! After that, I went out with a few PhDers and one MAer for coffee at one of the million Second Cup on campus. Actually we went to my favourite second cup in the Jewish Community Centre... I think they know me there now. But it was great to chat with people and start making some more connections here.

Which brings me to now... what am I doing now you ask? Well I am going to Travel Cuts so that I can...wait for it... book a flight for Jes to come visit me in Toronto. Yes. that's right... the Jessenator is coming to Toronto next weekend during the long weekend!!! I am so excited I am almost peeing myself. Then later I am going to get a few more books for my class on Monday and finally head home to get ready for Nick's birthday party tonight that Marcos and I are going to. O'Grady's on bear night... oh dear me.

That's pretty much it for now - my sore throat because of the pollution is not too bad today, still coughing some, but I'll get used to it.

Off to brave the heat once more!

Who Sings the Nation State

In my constant Amazon.com searching, I uncovered something amazing tonight. Two powerhouses of brilliance and two academic idols and people who have influenced my work singificantly are producing a book together.

Who Sings the Nation State, written by....wait for it.... Judith Butler and Gayatri Spivak will be released on October 1, 2007. How could this book NOT be amazing. Two of this planets most brilliant minds coming together to create a series of idea relating to nationhood and the way an individual relates to that nation.

Dear god, someone buy this for me!!! I need it!!! I want it!!!

Amazon link here

Making me Giggle

An all time fav of mine. "I bleached my butt hair for him"




A new Fav - everyone needs a gay boyfriend

Am I ready? Yes I am.

In about an hour and a half I will be sitting in my PhD orientation meeting at UofT. I have been waiting for this day for a very long time - ever since I sent in my acceptance notice. It feels weird that it is really happening. It might sound weird, but I feel as though everything over the past few years has led me to this point. I am a much different person than the "kid" who started the MA program just 2 short years ago, I even look different. I know, because I was showing off pictures of past incantations of myself last night... I was tipsy ok? I really do see this as me starting a new and fresh chapter in my life... I am starting to reinvent myself here in this city, and think so far I am doing a bang up job.

Thanks to everyone who sent me their well wishes for today... love to you all.

I am ready for this. I will do well today. (Although doing well at what I am not exactly sure...) And I will have a good time.

Maybe I'll even get to meet my "PhD Sibling" today.... that would be fun.

Little Italy, you capture my heart

Yesterday I woke up feeling kinda funny - my nose has been stuffed up every morning for the past few days, I think it is the smog here. I actually felt worse as the morning went on - ate some yogurt and thought that my stomach was going to explode from inside my chest. I have since thrown out that yogurt. So, after a morning of lounging about and feeling gross, I perked up and decided to go ahead with my plan to head over to Kensington Market. And wow, how glad am I that I did.

I stumbled onto a HUGE Italian festival that stretched for blocks and blocks along College. I was in heaven. There was so much cheap food - I managed to eat for like 7 bucks a fried pizza thing, a cob of grilled corn and a HUGE Italian sausage on a Portuguese bun. It was pretty amazing.

I wandered in and out of shops, listening to street vendors call out to passer-bys, I looked at some great used books, a store that just sells art books, a really cool comic store. I also managed to watch a few street performances, there were the Italian folk singers who were singing song from "the old country" as the lead guy said. Then I saw this amazing fiddle rock band named Dr. Drew - I highly highly recommend him to anyone and everyone. Such good stuff.

Finally around 8 I made my way back home... I was full, satisfied and pretty happy with my first Saturday alone in Toronto.

Today, I am waiting for the Bell phone guy to come to set up my house phone... he is over an hour late now. Then I want to head down to the lake shore for a free concert tonight - Serena Ryder is playing... I'd love to finally see her live.

F.Y.I.

The last blog on here was by Jes - who accidentally posted on my blog or forgot to put his name on the post.

Silly boy. Boys are silly. Throw rocks at them... ok, don't throw rocks at Jes cause then I'd have to do something even worse to you....

2 Weeks

Today marks my two-weekiversery in Brooklyn!

Last night I made a kickass veggie sautee with yellow beans, carrots, red onions, chick peas, and mushrooms, in balsamic vinegar and red wine. It all cost 3 bucks (thank you, Sun Hee Farms, the best produce stand ever in Greenpoint). Excluding the wine, of course. That was a nice little leftover.

Myka got drunk as a skunk off cheap whiskey. I sipped my chianti and felt morally superior.

Thursday nights in Brooklyn are off the hook.

And after 7 days....

Today marks a week in the city. My first 7 days of Toronto living. And, despite bouts of homesickness, being stone-cold broke, sweating a lot and broken wine glasses... I think I am going to be happy here. Already in 7 days I have made some friends in the city - Robyn, Jordan's cousin welcomed me on my first day with open arms. Marcos is a joy to hang out with and deal with stupid ass newbie questions. Also, Jordan's friend Fred gave me a warm welcome. Yesterday, I met my long time on-line friend Nick for coffee and a tour of the UofT campus - which was great. Found a few not so hidden gems on campus and got to talk about Transformers and Buffy for a few hours...

I used to think I did not make friends easily, which would mean that moving here would put me into a state of panic, but having already developed people I can call when I am lonely or just need to talk to someone tells me that I can indeed survive here. I miss all my friends from home terribly... but I know that I am going to see them all soon. Christine tonight, Jes in September and October, Jen in October and maybe even Brianne in November... Plus I still talk to Jes on an almost nightly basis... which is a big relief... it almost feels like we are going through this together.

***As I write this, my land-lady's cat, Stan, has come wandering inside and is making himself at home in my bed. Stan visits me everyday and has become a fixture in my apartment, whether it be for five minutes or a few hours. ***

Most of this past week was spent putting together my apartment - which is nearly done. I will post pictures this weekend... I promise. (I can feel Brianne giving me a look) All I have to do is put up some posters - still have not found the perfect place to put the Knocked Up poster. Once that is done, the pictures will be taken.

For this weekend... I am going to explore the city as much as possible. Might head to the lake shore or something. Just wander around... There is so much to see. Also Saturday night, there might be a house party that I am invited to. Also knowing me, I will wander more around the Annex and the Bloor West Village - two of my favourite places so far. Also, there might be more free concerts that I can go to like last night!

Ok, I should run - heading off to a relaxing afternoon on a couch.

Its been Seven Days... and Matt is surviving here. He is enjoying it here. No news is better than that!

Iced Americanos and a Desolated Department

I am sitting in the most amazing cafe ever - Aroma on Bloor in the Annex - eating a roast beef sandwich and having an iced americano. So far, my day has been a bit of a bust - I managed to get my student ID (the picture makes me look like a serial murderer) and my UofT computing account active - although it won't start working until tomorrow. After this, I was feeling pretty good so I decided to go look for my books in the bookstore. Well, the UofT bookstore is truly one of the most confusing bookstores I've ever been in. There is no course listings where the books are. Just books. So you really have no idea what books go with what courses. I finally gave up and decided to find something to drink - well this was an epic search. Apparently no one on campus knows exactly what an iced americano is. The first second cup I went to, the barrista stared at me like I was speaking in tounges, the second actually told me he didn't know how to make one, and the third offered me iced tea. So I changed course. Decided to head to the English Department, perhaps say hi to the graduate advisor and check out the department. Sadly I had forgotten my map at home. So I got very very lost. Finally I found a map outside the library - now the building that the english department is housed in has just changed its name and I only know the new name - luckily I kinda remembered where it was so I made a logical deduction and headed for the Medical Arts Building. I was right. But when I got there - no one was there. It was literally like a ghost town. There was nothing on the walls, not even name tags on the doors. It was really freaky. The only person who was there that I talked to was, naturally, Linda Hutchinson. Why wouldn't one of the biggest names in Canadian English Studies be hanging out. She was really nice.

I left the building feeling hungry, hot (its over 40 here today) and a bit disillusioned. I decided to walk down Bloor and check out the annex. I finally came across Aroma and decided I want a fucking iced coffee damnit!

So I've spent the last 20 minutes enjoying their free wireless and listening to two sweet older ladies talking about the cookies they bought and the bees on their balconies.

Well I think i will walk down Bloor and head to the Bob Miller Bookroom - where apparently profs stock books for classes and see if I can't find some of my books. Then tonight I might put together more of my bookcases and stock them, then I might watch some Firefly and try and stay cool.

Water Falling Over Cliffs and Ontario Musings

Yesterday we took a little road trip to Niagara Falls. It was both what I expected and not at all what I expected. Perhaps that needs some more clarification. I expected it to be water falling over a cliff - hence the name water falls - but I was not expecting the sheer tackiness and campiness of the town itself. Its like a mini Times Square mixed in with a bit of Atlantic City. As though the people who designed it were thinking - hey, to attract as many Americans to our side of the falls (because ours are clearly better) we should make this as touristy as possible. For the most part when I have gone to see natural attractions, they are not as tacky as that. There are usually some walking trails or a site building where you can read about the natural wonders you're looking at. Not so much at the Falls. The visitor building was a total dump. It was old, had the WORST gift shop ever. But if you can detach yourself from the town and the people, the falls themselves are pretty awesome. They were actually smaller than I had made out in my head - having seen so many pictures of them and seen them in movies I had this image of something akin to the Empire State Building or the Grand Canyon.

Nonetheless, I stood at the fence, looked over at the boiling mass of blue water and frothy foam below and found myself enjoying it. Quite the sight - something everyone should see once. Although I am not sure if you need to see it more than once... it is water falling over a cliff afterall. I don't mean to sound so cynical and flippant about it - they were amazing, I really did enjoy seeing them. But like all natural attractions for me... the wow factor is not quite so huge.

After that we drove home, stopping at Zellars so I could stock up on household necessitates and then to Best Buy so I can actually have a phone for when the phone line starts working. I am told it will be on the 2nd now. Not exactly holding my breath on that one.

Today I am off to UofT to visit the campus and get my ID, maybe even buy a book or two for my classes. We'll see what happens. I plan on exploring the Annex some more too. Today will be my first day in the halls of my new academic home. And I am not nervous at all... oh wait, maybe that weird feeling in my stomach and the fact that I keep eyeing my smokes all morning tells me I am. Hmmmm.

I did dishes for the first time today and organized my garbage - it felt good to do normal things. Despite my rumbling tummy - I know that I will be happy here.

Now if only I could find the perfect spot for my Kate action figure from Lost... where to stick her....

Toronto Adventures

Well I'm not really sure where to start... it has been a whirl wind couple of days. After I got here I just kinda explored the apartment and got comfortable. Jordan's cousin Robyn came over with her boyfriend and we hung out and chatted while drinking some nice Ontario wine. The next day, my land-lady drove me around the area showing it off. She introduced me to Rochesville - an amazing area that I am already in love with. I went to a great little fruits and veggies store and gorged on all kinds of great stuff. This is an area that is 20 minutes from my home, walking. And it is filled with awesome coffee shops, a bunch of bookstores and all kinds of fun stuff. After that, Jordan and I went to Ikea where I got a sofa, 2 big book cases, a smaller bookcase for dvds, a shelf unit for the bathroom and a pile of kitchen stuff. After that I bought some much needed food for the apartment - will have to do some more shopping with the car before Jordan leaves on Friday.

Yesterday, Jordan was doing some stuff on his own, so I went for a walking tour of Yonge and Church street. Caught the tail end of the queer literary festival. I changed my cell number and got a home phone number - just don't have the actual phone yet. After that - well, I had a date with Hotty Mchot... now known as Marcos. And all I need to say si that we had a second date today and have a third one planned for Wednesday. So, in terms of that... I think it is going well. (And because I know he reads this, I won't gush too much. That is reserved for girl talk between me and the other Musketeers.) Needless to say, I'm happy.

Today, my movers came - 4 hours late mind you - and as I unpacked stuff I was horrified to discover that my expensive wine glasses were broken, other glasses were damaged AND, the worse sin of all, my books were damaged. At least 20% of my books now have bent spines. I was mortified. I am going to call the movers tomorrow and complain, very strongly. How could they damage a PhD student's books!!??

I went for dinner with Marcos and we walked through the Annex - another neighbourhood that I am totally fell in love with. The best moment was two guys moving a leather couch along Bloor, using a skate board as a dolly. We laughed like crazy. Also, some lady came up to us asking for cigarettes and then went into a ramble about a girl that was lost. I was shown the front of BMV Books - what was called the best used bookstore in the city. Think I will head down there again this week to check it out some more. See what bargains I can find. The night ended with a hug at Dundas W. Subway station and I went home to my apartment, which is a work in progress. But I want to have it all together for Friday...

Tomorrow, I think Jordan and I are going on a little road trip to see Niagara Falls. Oh and I need to get that damn home phone!

hugs and kisses to you all
matt

Holly Golightly.

This now adorns the wall of my living room. How amazing is it?!

"Unless God really likes sandwhiches, you're fucked."

Marcos showed me these - they are amazing. I have a new hero. And her name is Joan Rivers.


"I hate old people"



"Julie Andrews and Child Labour"



"I attended George Michael's Wedding"

When Genres Collide - the Collection

My first publication just came out this past week. I attended a conference for the Science Fiction Research Association last year and they turned the proceedings into a edited volume. It is now available for purchase from amazon.com. I did a paper on Joss Whedon's Firefly. I am rather proud of that paper.

Go out and buy a copy! Relish in my writings!

Here is a link to the amazon.com listing

Here is the table of contents.

Buy Buy

First day excitement

I am sitting on my bed in my living room - because it has not been moved into the bedroom part of the apartment yet - and thought I would post about the apartment and such.

Its 10am here and it is already fucking hot. Last night I experienced a Toronto rain shower. Totally unlike anything I've seen in Vancouver, the only thing I can compare it to is a burst of rain I saw in New York last summer. It just came down like nothing I've ever seen before! I was sitting outside talking to Jes and suddenly I was soaked to the bones. Craziness.

I love the apartment - it has a really large kitchen, and then a sizeable living room and a smaller bedroom that you get to by going through a set of french doors off the living room. Yes, that's right I have french doors. Jealous yet? I have a few pieces of furniture, all provided by my land lady - but I am going to get a futon for a couch and some bookcases to put up in the living room and bedroom. Plus I have my coffee table that my sister gave me which will be come the TV stand. One of the first things I did was hang a few pictures, it made it feel more like home I think. I have 2 more bigger pictures that I am figuring out where to hang right now. And my mom is sending my posters along this week, I'll be getting frames for them and they will become part of the bedroom decor.

Today I am going to explore the neighborhood and see what is around here. Plus I am going to Eaton Cent. and get my phone stuff all sorted out. Then I will have a home phone number that you can all call me on. Especially since I get NO CELL RECEPTION in the apartment. Hence why i was outside on the phone. I might be going to Ikea today, but we'll see how I feel about all that.

I will post more later about my day...needless to say, I'm happy here. Or at least I know I will be in time.

New Apartment Goodness

So I am sitting in the living room of my apartment in Toronto. Its amazing. I love it. Big and spacious and really very nice.

I will post more about it later, but for now I think I need to rest up.

Hope all is well

matt

Where Terry Was

I realized today - well this morning - as I was lying in bed that I am in at the end point of where Terry Fox finished his famous run. Today I will be driving along the same highway that he ran.

I have always felt connected to Terry - so knowing that makes this day a bit better.

From the Skies of Winnipeg to the Streets of Thunder Bay

I am currently sitting in a rooming house in Thunder Bay, Ontario after a really really long trip. We drove yesterday to Winnipeg and stayed with our friend Greg. It was a long day - filled with all kinds of adventure. Well not really, it was more just a lot of driving and looking at really depressing small towns. I have really noticed that the towns in Canada are SMALL! There is very little going on in them. Most of the ones on the prairies are based around farming and the like. We were in one called Qu'Applle (I think that is how it is spelled). It was in all respects a ghost town. There was absolutely NOTHING going on. We stopped to get gas at a Domo, yes that's right a Domo - they still exist! And then did a quick drive through, which took all of 5 minutes.

I think the highlight of yesterday was Winnipeg, I loved it there. I can now see why Jen really loves that city. It is super friendly and super clean and just nice. I got to see Jen last night, she took me out to the Toad, some bar that she used to hang out with all of her friends at. It was great. We both got super trashed. That was a total reminder of home. Being drunk with Jen. It makes me excited for her visit to Toronto in October - I am totally going to find good bars to take her to.

Staying with Greg was nice. His family is awesome. I think i connected with him mom and dad instantly. They wanted me to pack up their dog and take her with me, and you know I was super tempted to do that.

Today we drove for 9 hours - passing through Manitoba into Ontario. Yes I am in Ontario now, closer to - well I guess I can call it home - and I am even in my own time zone now. I get a few days to get used to that. But I am really happy to be in my transplanted province. It feels good. I made Jordan stop at the Ontario sign and take my picture. Sadly, my first few experiences in Ontario were not amazing. We did stop for lunch at this really pretty lake in Kenora, ON. Very nice. But after that we stopped to get gas in this horrible horrible town. I felt like I was in either a Hitchcock movie or in Deliverance. I am pretty sure that the guy who helped us at the gas station had a mom who is also his sister... if you catch my drift. Then our stop is in Thunder Bay. What a dump! I really don't like it here. We are staying in a nice hostel, but the woman who runs it is a bit... well intense. I am looking forward to getting up in the morning and leaving this arm pit behind.

I am getting closer to Toronto. Which is amazing, because it feels like this trip just started and here I am at the tail end of it. Crazy huh? Soon I will be posting from my apartment in Toronto. I will be posting pictures of the apartment right away!

My first purchase when I am there will be a futon so I have a couch and a spare bed...

I will post tomorrow again, from the Soo.

hope all is well out there.
hugs
matt

One Song Glory (Calgary to Regina)

I decided to name this post after the song that was just playing on the radio when I opened up my word document because it seemed appropriate. One Song Glory – from the musical RENT – its all about change. Right now I am sitting in the passanger seat of the car typing out some thoughts on the Praries. I have to admit, I am mildly impressed by them, but I think my biggest reaction to them is a sense of being overwhelmed. They are so big and so grand and so immense that I really had no idea, at all, of what to expect from them. When I look ahead of me all I see is road, and dry grass – nothing else. It is just mile after mile of road. There are no mountains to break that sense of monotmy – no sense of familiarity for me anywhere. I think Foucault would really like this streach of earth, because it seems that everyone here is equal. You have to break through the bad-lands of the praries to get to the other side. Course, driving through Alberta, I am realizing that there is a a distinct finaicial hierarchy in Alberta – those who are a part of the industries who keep the province alive, and those who do not. I have not seen much poverty, but the social critic in me can sense it is here.

I feel as though I am lost – with a world that I know and understand behind me and a world of uncertainty in front of me… well except I am pretty certain that there will be more grass and cows coming up. But that is a world I am pretty excited about. For right now, however, I am feeling pretty good about discovering my Canadian self. I’m certainly not going to frolic on the prairies or play in the Great Lakes, but I am enjoying myself seeing my country.

We have been driving through Alberta since yesterday and are coming up on the boarder between Alberta and Saskatchewan (I know I spelled that wrong - so sue me). Alberta is nice, but at the same time really unappealing. We stopped in Brooks – where I finally found a starbucks – and in Medicine Hat (the Gas City – no really, that’s what they call themselves.) Both towns were quaint in their own way – but just so empty of the things I know. One of the things that I think this trip will help me with is adjusting to Toronto – because I will be craving the big city again by the time I get there. I’ll miss Vancouver, but will just be so happy to be in a place with transit again. And more than one starbucks!

I am doing pretty well so far, was missing everyone this morning. And I know that will last for a while, but I am finding ways of adjusting. Lets just say that I love my unlimited text messaging feature for anywhere in Canada and the US!

I have been spending time in the evenings talking to Jes – which helps a lot with this change I am making. We are sharing experiences and making plans for things. I am really happy that I get to see him before October…

For now I am going to continue to look out the window and see what I can see – oh look more grass. I am certainly not complaining about the prairies – but I am realizing that, they are not for me. And if I did not have someone to talk to while driving this drive, I would certainly go mad.

We got to Regina nicely - I have to say that it is a nice city. Not at all what I expected. Everyone told me it was a total dive, but I seem to like it so far. The area around the legislature buildings is really quite nice. The buildings themselves are really impressive - they are situated in this really pretty park area where the river runs past and there is a huge rose garden dedicated to Queen Elizabeth the II.

Our hostel is also nice - we have a huge room to ourselves, except for this one guy that went to bed at 8. Who the fuck does that?! I am sitting outside right now on the patio - they locked the doors at 10, so I hope I can get inside still, the lady gave me a door code, so I should be able too. Otherwise, I'll just be outside all night.

Tomorrow we are off to Winnipeg, I get to see my friend Greg and Jen! Very excited about that - a small piece of home along the way.

I should call it a night - hope everyone is well back in Van and various other places.

much love
matt

Inching Forward

So I am here, in Calgary, sitting in Jordan's dad's house about to eat dinner. It is day 2 of the trip - and I am already starting to feel homesick for everything that is familiar.

Last night we stayed in a pretty nice hostel - it was made up of a general store that was renovated from the 1920s and a series of railway cars that have been made into bunk houses. The lady who ran it was pretty crazy - she made us these crazy pancakes for breakfast. Then we drove like maniacs through the Rockies - I can't even talk about that yet, I loved it!

I got to talk to Jes last night - we spent an hour doing our thing. I was really happy to talk to him. Even though I promised myself that I would wait till I see him in October, I might break down and have to go and visit him at the end of September for a weekend or something. Although I know he will try to tell me not to - but he won't mean a word of it. (And Yes I am well aware he reads this blog and will make a comment about that).

I have discovered something about myself - I am a city boy. Born and Breed. I like my starbucks, I like my email, and I like my concrete. Constant trees and nature... well that gets a bit, old after a while. I will be begging Jordan to find a Starbucks tomorrow morning so I can get an Americano - I can't deal with the drip coffee anymore.

Well it seems like dinner is ready, so I should get going here.

I hope all is well back home.

I miss you all.

See you soon Vancouver

I am currently lying in the guest bed at my mom's house, exhausted after a super long day. I am in a space of waiting. A space of in-between. I don't feel as though I am still here and I don't feel as though I am quite gone yet. I am just waiting to start the journey.

Today I had to say good-bye to Jes as he took off to New York. I am sure he will post a very good blog post about his adventures getting to his Brooklyn apartment. I almost cracked a few times this morning as he left - but I managed to keep it together. It wasn't until I saw Bri later in the day that I broke down. I can't really put into words the type of relationship that Jes and I have - he means more to me than any other friend I've ever had. He has been my life partner for the past 2 and a half years, and being apart from him is hard. It is something that I have to do, that we both has to do to gain a better life perspective, but it is still hard. Just not being able to turn to him on the couch and talk to him about my day is ... well pretty crappy. We have an intense relationship - and I miss him already a great deal. I only hope that I will miss him less as the weeks roll on, but I know that is a pipe dream.

I also had to say goodbye to Bri (again) today - and like yesterday it was rather intense. I will miss that girl so much! We have become like a pair of chain-smoking, uber-intelligent and loving academics, who brought Jes into our fold.

At this moment - I have to pause to wonder to myself, what does it mean to make such intense friendships, only to leave them a month later? Why is that normal?

Tomorrow at about 4pm I am going to be getting in a very packed car and starting to drive towards Toronto, Ontario. This is the biggest thing I have ever done in my life and I have no idea how to do it. I have said good bye to all my friends - although in most cases, as Christine pointed out to me, it is not good bye so much as "see you soon." Which in Christine, Jen, and Jes's case it very much is. But that does not make this any easier - whereas normally I could pick up the phone and make plans to see people, now I have to figure out when I am going to be back in town or when they are going to be in Toronto. I am just finding the whole expereince - weird.

But even in this case of weirdness, I am so very exciting. I am buzzing with energy and excitement as I take my leave of Vancouver and British Columbia. Tonight, as I spend my last night in my mom's house, I am thinking less of everything that is being left behind, and more of what I am gaining - and the course my life is taking at this point. It is a good one. It is a excellent one. And I can't wait to start that journey.

That being said, we all know I have had a really rough 3 years - in it I have grown very tired of saying good-bye to people. So I refuse to say good-bye. Instead, I am saying I will see you all soon. And I love you.

Tomorrow I will post from Shushap Lake.

Best Friends Forever

This is Jes - I'm going to miss him.

Bearforce 1

Ok, I came across this on PerezHilton today, introducing Bearforce1 - an all gay bear pop/dance group from Holland.

How fucking HAWT is this!!! See their website here.

Picture Post - Matt, Brianne, and Jes' Road Trip To Chilliwack

Starting to Say Goodbye

This past Friday was the big going away party for Jes, Christine, and myself. It was a total blast. We all headed down to Jericho Beach to set up a bbq, beach party kinda thing. A huge group of people showed up - Bri, Jes, and I took Jessica in our car and after staring at a very beautiful shirtless man for 20 minutes or more we finally found ourselves a spot. People arrived shortly thereafter.

We had food ( A LOT OF IT!) Some of which has migrated back to our apartment. There was booze. There were cigarettes. It was just a lot of fun.

Plus it really did hit me that I am leaving this amazing group of friends behind and heading East. It was really nice to see how many people are going to miss us - when you are moving away, there is always that funny feeling that you get that makes you wonder, "Will people actually miss me?" It might be irrational and totally not based in truth, but you still have to wonder. I don't have that feeling anymore after Friday - my friends are going to miss me and I am so totally going to miss all of them.

We are coming up to 7 days now - Jes leaves on Friday the 17th, and I go on the 18th. We are totally freaking out. I literally have nothing of mine in the apartment anymore - once my suitcase is gone I am going to have 5 shirts, 5 boxers, a few pairs of socks, a hoodie and a pair of jeans. Plus my Runaways graphic novels, and 3 other books. This is really weird. I am in that in between space you get into when you are going somewhere - ready to leave, but not really ready to get going yet. I am rather tired of Vancovuer, but it is still home. Jes and I spent Friday just wandering around the city a bit - we had coffee in Yaletown and looked out at False Creek. Those are the moments I am going to miss. I will miss certain things. Certain memories. But I am ready for a new start.

Although I have to admit, I would be having a easier time getting that new start in Toronto if I actually had some money for when I get there. My SSHRC payment does not coming in till Mid September. Funny that....

Jes and I have been having a tough time getting time to hang out alone - today he is off to Chilliwack to see his family for a going away dinner (They are taking him to Boston Pizza) and he is back on Monday. I am hoping that we can at least get one full day (as in 24 hours) alone so we can just hang out the way we used to.

I'm starting to say good-bye to this place and the people that are in it. I just don't know how totally ready I am to say good-bye to my friends. No one said this would be easy, but I never really thought it would be this hard either.

Distinctly Different

So today was my last day at SFU - I had to watched my students write their exams at 8:30 this morning and then I marked said exams. Overall I was kinda impressed with my students - they did not do as horribly as I had thought they would. I was kinda pleased. Now it is just a matter of entering the grades into Excel and sending them off to be officially entered.

But I am done. Totally. Without a Doubt. 100%. Done with SFU. I have spent the last 7 years there, getting a BA Hons, and then my MA. It is so time to move on. When you know EVERY LITTLE THING about a department, you know you have been there for too long. And I am calling it quits. My grades are going in, my MA is defended. And in 8 days I am going to get in a car and start driving towards a new life in Toronto.

Oh yes. It feels so good! I do feel kinda different... not like I have no purpose, but like I have a whole new fresh chapter that is waiting for me to fill.

Lets do this thing.

Tonight, I am heading out with my posse to Numbers for Karaoke and drinking. I think I've even convinced Jes to come - even if it is for a little while. And then tomorrow, heading out to Mom's for the movers to come and collect my stuff. I really feel like this is happening.

Oh, and I want that bag from ROOTS - Jes has one just like it. But I need something to reward myself for being done at SFU with. And I want a new bag.

Free At Last, Lord Almighty I'm Free At Last

Today is the day of freedom - in about 2 hours I will be watching over my 103 students take their final exam and then I will be at school for a couple hours after that to mark said exams. After which I will submit the grades tonight and then... I AM FREE! No more SFU. No more crappy first year papers about drama. I will finally have totally and completely finished my tenure at Simon Fraser University.

Oh MY GOD!!!

Tonight its that weekly singing thing I do - the girls and I will hit up numbers again and make a night of it. I'm putting my dancing shoes on, so look out boys!


I've been feeling a bit like Angela these days - kinda trapped and unhappy. I think it is the stress of the impending move. Really not looking forward to that shit. Even though I am happy the course is over, I just am not looking forward to all that is upcoming - and I am getting increasingly more nervous about the move. Nervous and excited at the same time.

I do hope this change is the right one.

Well off to fail a few kids...